


Attack of the 50 foot Toupee

by BANANNA527



Category: DRAMAtical Murder - All Media Types
Genre: I Don't Even Know, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-19
Updated: 2015-09-19
Packaged: 2018-04-21 10:59:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4826576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BANANNA527/pseuds/BANANNA527
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Trump achieves his ultimate form, and Koujaku is the only one who can stop him</p>
            </blockquote>





	Attack of the 50 foot Toupee

**Author's Note:**

> The result of something inexplicable

Koujaku was having a pretty good day until he saw a man walk past his stand who desperately required his services. For some reason, seeing this man and his shitty toupee comb-over thing unleashed a kind of hatred within him that he didn't realize was possible. Koujaku knew that he needed to pursue this man and right the wrong, make him pay for his crimes against fashion. The hairdresser dropped his scissors to the ground and ran after the mysterious fashion disaster. He was so determined that he couldn't even hear the cries of his fans as he pursued his target. He followed as the man rounded a familiar corner and into an alley that led to only one place, _Junk Shop Heibon._

 _Fuck!_ Koujaku quickened his pace. He had to stop this man before he entered the shop and destroyed Aoba's eyeballs. "Stop right there!" Koujaku pulled his huge-ass sword from behind his back and pressed the tip between the man's shoulders, "What do you think you're doing?!"

The man, obviously shocked, whipped around to face the hairdresser, "None of yo beeswax!"

Before responding, Koujaku studied the man's appearance, not only did his hair look like weave road-kill, but the expression on his face made it look like he had a stick shoved up his ass. Upon further inspection, Koujaku realized that the man looked familiar, as if he had seen him on T.V or something. Then, it hit him; the expression on his face darkened. He spoke as though he were addressing his nemesis, "Trump..."

"No shit!" Trump raised an eyebrow, "What do you think you're doing?"

"Saving my homeslice from your fucked up hair game!" Koujaku lifted his sword to the man's face, "What are you doing?"

"Winning the presidential election, duh!"

"From a nonexistent island in Japan?"

Trump scoffed, "No one asked for your input, jackass." He turned to enter the shop, but was stopped by a hand on his shoulder.

"That's _Kou_ jackass to you!" By this point, Koujaku knew that he was at his limit. One more second and-

 _Too late_.

Trump was actually the one who threw the first punch, and Koujaku, being the gentleman he was, threw down his sword and returned the favor, landing one right on the mogul turned politician's jaw. Trump, obviously offended by this gesture, extended his leg and kicked the hairdresser in the shins.

"Oh no you didn't!" The hairdresser lunged at the older man, and with full force, began to pull at his hair.

"Oh yes I did!"

Koujaku gritted his teeth as the politician grabbed his ponytail and nearly ripped it from his head, "I just treated that!" Deciding that it was time to play dirty, Koujaku went to bite the man's ear, but a familiar voice stopped him.

"Koujaku! What are you doing!?"

The fighting men stopped their bickering to stare at Aoba, who had burst through the door of the shop to investigate, "Aoba!" Koujaku's expression was now one of horror, "You musn't look!"

"At wha- _Oh my God!_ " Koujaku watched Aoba cover his mouth as he turned to look at Trump, "Donald Trump?!"

The three of them stood motionless for about three seconds until Trump stepped closer to Aoba. His whole body straightened and his movements became strangely robotic as he spoke, "Target detected."

"What the fuck?"

"Seragaki Aoba, codename: Aobooty, detected." Trump's entire body started to spasm uncontrollably, "Trump will now achieve final form." Koujaku and Aoba were both too shocked to say anything as Dunald Trump started to transform. Within a matter of minutes, he had changed from a normal sized fashion disaster, to a fifty-foot, toupee-clad, mecha-politician complete with tentacles instead of legs. Before Aoba could do anything, he was trapped in the confines of one of the Trumptacles.

Koujaku, still too shocked to say anything, stood motionless as Aoba cried out, "What do you want with me?!?!?!"

"The votes of the American people!!" Mecha-Trumptacles went on to explain his plan, "With your ASSets on my side, no one can refuse me! And the United States shall be MINE!!"

"WHAT?!" Aoba shrieked in horror as he struggled in the grasp of the Trumptacles.

"That's right Aobooty, I am going to STEAL YO BUTT and MAKE IT MY OWN!!!" The mechanical politician laughed maniacally as it continued, "ITS THE ULTIMATE PLAN!"

Upon hearing that Mecha Donald Trumptacles was going to steal the Aobooty, Koujaku sprung into action. Grabbing his discarded sword, he lunged at the beast before him, "NO ONE TRIES TO TAKE THE AOBOOTY AND GETS AWAY WIT IT!!" The hairdresser did what he did best and began to cut through the aberration's toupee armor. Clump by clump, the artificial hair combusted as it fell to the ground. Mecha Trumptacles tried to swat Koujaku off of him with his remaining tentacles, but the Hairdresser, making good use of his sword, hacked them off as they moved within range. The amputated tentacles flopped around on the ground before turning into piles of money and more artificial hair. _What the serious fuck_... 

Koujaku continued to slice and dice until all that remained was the eight foot tall head of the Trump. Aoba, having been freed, ran over to the head and kicked it in the nose, "Take that!"

In response, jet packs emerged from the base of Trump's head. He spoke as they fired up and lifted him into the air, "NEXT TIME AOBOOTY! NEXT TIME THE AOBOOTY WILL BE MINE!"

Aoba and Koujaku watched as the head of Mecha-Trumptacles disappeared into the sunset. Surrounded by flaming wig hair, the two looked at each other, sharing a moment of silence, they both silently thought the same thing, _Dafuq was that?_

**Author's Note:**

> O_o What have I done?


End file.
